Happy Holidays!!!!!

SOOOOO, long time no blog!

I have been so busy and lazy lately...and have neglected my poor little blog...but I intend to catch up and keep at it

First I want to say, Merry XMAS, and Happy 2012!!!!
Can you believe it's TWENTY TWELVE? I sure cannot. It seems as if time is running away from me lately.
Over the holidays I received the BEST news ever....my BFF is PREGNANT! She and her husband have been TTC for a while now, and finally got their positive test, and are soaking up their new life to come. So, big congrats to you Jenny love, I cannot wait for it all. We are going to get to do lots of mommy stuff together, and that is amazing.
After having a baby, it becomes all consuming. My baby is what I live for, what is always on my mind, my purpose on this Earth. I am here to teach him, and be here for him on this planet. I am so thrilled that now my best friends get to experience this everlasting joy.

I cant wait to meet/hold my new neice or nephew.
So, we had a great Xmas!!! Rylan got lots of toys, and we spent time with family and friends, and Rylan loves all his new things! I made some lovely gifts for my family and friends, and I have a video to share but I don't want to share it just yet since all the gifts have not been given!

Rylan having his milk before a nap:)

Mommy and Rylan!

Playing the keyboard with daddy on xmas eve

Sweet buddies! Two diaper changes at once:)

Rylan on his new horsey he got for xmas!

So, the blog post is really random....I just wanted to write something. Hopefully soon I will have a more organized post.....until then

HAPPY 2012!!!!!

Love love love, Naomi

Circumcision, a mother's regret. :(

Circumcision. Why oh why??

I became pregnant with my little bean October 2009. Found out he was a little boy bean March 2010!!! I was beyond thrilled and excited to be having a boy. I have always thought that I would only have boys when I was to have children, I am not sure why. Maybe because I love boys! I would love a girl as well one day...but boys are just what I always imagine having. As I was planning for my sweet boy's arrival the topic of circumcision came up ofcourse ( as here in the GOOD OL FREAKING USA it is a routine procedure for some reason)..anyway...but yes, the topic had to come up. I was actually asked by my midwife if this was something I was going to be doing, and with no thought really I assumed I was. I thought it would be best to leave this decision up to my boyfriend Zachary...as he is the one with the penis. Orcourse, since Zachary is circumcised, he was all for this. He assumes since his penis is cut that's how it is. Un cut penises are "weird, gross, unsanitary" more likely to get infected blah blah BLAH. I honestly agreed with it at the time. I had never had intercourse with a guy who was intact...I had never really studied an intact penis before..but I just thought it was better cut. Because that's the way it is here in GOOD OL FREAKIN USA. (Notice any sarcasm??). I get so upset, angry, and hurt thinking about this routine procedure. All the males I talked to about this agreed that circumcision was good. They laughed at and made fun of intact penises (only because they don't know any better) and called them ugly, weird, "dogdick". My friends encouraged this. They agreed it was weird to leave it intact, and that it would be better in the long run if he were cut. My midwife encouraged it to me telling me about all the "harm" leaving it intact could cause. All the "diseases, UTI's, infections" etc. She simply told me all her boys are cut, it's best that way. So, I trusted her. I trusted my boyfriend, my friends, other males I talk to with. My family, and peers. WHY did I not do more research? Why did not a single person steer me in a different direction. Only when it was too late did I get information on how truly messed up this procedure is.

Now, let's go back to the procedure. I went in to see a surgeon who was going to cut my son's penis. We went in for our appointment, and were ready to do this. Whenever I was in the waiting room, everything in my gut was telling me to grab my sweet boy, and run. I didn't listen. We went into the room...saw the table they were going to strap him to, saw the tools, and then talked with the doctor. My stomach was in a knot. I am in tears just writing this. The doctor said we weren't allowed to be in there for the procedure (SIGN TO RUN), so we went to the waiting room. Left our sweet newborn in that room with that doctor. To cut him. The whole time we were in the waiting room I was just a mess. Thinking, "Why am I doing this". Zachary was reassuring me everything was fine, he will be just fine. I trusted that. When we went to get him....he was not crying, but had a look of shock and fear on his face and in his eyes that, I swear, still haunts my thoughts. I have only told this to one person, Zachary, but that look he had on his face will never leave my mind. For a while after this I made myself believe I was crazy, and that he was fine. But, I know better. It is wrong what I did to him, and I will never be able to forgive myself. I saw my son's red penis that had just been cut, and my stomach and heart was telling me how wrong this was. This was the first time this mommy instinct was making me feel this way. I just knew it wasn't right. I literally made myself believe otherwise, but I knew in my heart it was a mistake.

That same day, after the procedure, I was told some information about circumcision that broke my heart. Literally. I was told how unnecessary and wrong it was AFTER I allowed that doctor to cut him. I did some research on circumcision, but not balanced research. I looked up pros of circumcision, not the other side of the story, and I will forever regret that. Not a day goes by that I dont feel guilt and regret about this. Everytime I look at my son's penis, I think how wrong I was to take that skin from him. I get so depressed about this all the time. This is something that keeps me up at night. I start thinking about this often, and cannot get over it. I am not sure how long I will feel guilt and pain about this, but 17 months later the feeling of guilt is strong. Worse than ever really. I hold my baby and cry about this often. I cant help but to think that one day I will have to explain this to him. Explain that I allowed a doctor to cut skin from his penis. Skin that he was BORN with. Skin that nature provided the penis with to protect it. One day he will be sexually active, and I robbed him of so many nerve endings that him and his partner will miss out on.
If I am to have another boy, I will have to explain to them why they are different. Why one of their penises doesn't look like daddy's. I dont want to have to tell Rylan that I allowed him to be cut. I made a decision for his penis that he will have to live with forever. It deeply hurts me to think about. I am bawling this typing it out now. And...excuse any errors I have made typing, because I do not want to go back and read over this. I cant stop crying as it is.
Thankfully Rylan's penis is fine, and the doctor did a good job on his little penis, but just knowing something "could have been" gives me a sick feeling.
I do know that Rylan will most likely love his penis no matter what (already does), but I hope he can forgive me for this. I hope when he is able to comprehend the situation, he will not resent me for it. I hope he has no problems with his cut penis, and lives happily with the desision I made for him. I just know, I will forever be regretful.

For any moms out there who are living with this pain, you are not alone. BIG HUGS. I just hope that maybe this post can steer someone in a different direction about circumcision, because I was too late finding out the truth.

You know, I don't believe in god. I believe in life, in nature, in the mind and body. I believe in evolution and our Earth. But if there were a god, don't you think god created boys with that skin for a reason?? God definitely wouldn't create a perfect boy with skin on the penis only for us to go chopping it off. I believe in nature, and nature's perfect penis design was not meant to be cut. That skin is there to protect the penis. People can go on and on about infection without circumcison, but that's just an excuse. If cleaned and cared for properly, the penis will be just fine. Just as intended.

I have learned many lessons since becomming a parent. One being, TRUST that mama gut. Another thing I have learned, always research. All sides of the argument. Form an educated opinion before making decisions, especially one's that you will forever have to live with. It truly breaks my heart and makes me so sad that I was too late in finding how wrong circumsision is. Now, I am in no way wrong or abusive to my child. I would never do something to hurt him. I honestly thought circumcision was the best option for my son. I thought I was doing him a favor, and it would be best in the long run. No way. I was wrong.

All of these things about better hygeine, uti's, stds/diseases, less chance of penile cancer, better to be done as an infant, needing to look like dad/fit in with peers is a bunch of CRAP. None of those things are true, or that skin would have not been there when born. It is okay to be different that peers, and daddy. Parents before me have made this mistake before over and over, and all these boys who are cut had no say in it. I made a horrible decision for Rylan, one that he may have not wanted. At least if he were intact, he could make that decision for himself to cut it if he pleased. But why the hell would he want to? I play this out in my head over and over, and I just cannot believe I did this to him. I cannot wrap my mind around the fact that I allowed a doctor to CUT his penis. His perfect penis.

:(

This was not easy to write, and these feelings are hard to express, but here it is. My regret about circmcision.

I hope that more parents start to understand the severity of this "routine procedure". The feeling of pain and regret is intense, and I would go back to that day and not do it if I could. If I could go back and change one mistake in life, this would be it.

Now, every parent should watch this before doing this to their perfect boy's penis. It should be required.

It's not easy to watch, and I can't watch it without bawling. It hurts me so bad, I could never express it enough.


I hope to help someone with this. It's so sad that I had to experience this, but here it is. Here's my story. My regrets.

All I can hope for is that time will heal this wound and hurt I have for robbing my son of his penis the way nature intended. All I can hope is that I will eventually come to terms with this, and be okay. Mistake made, lesson learned. It just hurts to know it could have been prevented by listening to my gut.

Any future boys will be left intact. And I am so sorry to my Rylan Jude he was robbed of this. Please forgive me Rylan.
NaturalMommyNaomi. <3