I have been so busy and lazy lately...and have neglected my poor little blog...but I intend to catch up and keep at it
First I want to say, Merry XMAS, and Happy 2012!!!!
Can you believe it's TWENTY TWELVE? I sure cannot. It seems as if time is running away from me lately.
Over the holidays I received the BEST news ever....my BFF is PREGNANT! She and her husband have been TTC for a while now, and finally got their positive test, and are soaking up their new life to come. So, big congrats to you Jenny love, I cannot wait for it all. We are going to get to do lots of mommy stuff together, and that is amazing.
After having a baby, it becomes all consuming. My baby is what I live for, what is always on my mind, my purpose on this Earth. I am here to teach him, and be here for him on this planet. I am so thrilled that now my best friends get to experience this everlasting joy.
I cant wait to meet/hold my new neice or nephew.
So, we had a great Xmas!!! Rylan got lots of toys, and we spent time with family and friends, and Rylan loves all his new things! I made some lovely gifts for my family and friends, and I have a video to share but I don't want to share it just yet since all the gifts have not been given!
Rylan having his milk before a nap:)
Mommy and Rylan!
Playing the keyboard with daddy on xmas eve
Sweet buddies! Two diaper changes at once:)
Rylan on his new horsey he got for xmas!
So, the blog post is really random....I just wanted to write something. Hopefully soon I will have a more organized post.....until then
I became pregnant with my little bean October 2009. Found out he was a little boy bean March 2010!!! I was beyond thrilled and excited to be having a boy. I have always thought that I would only have boys when I was to have children, I am not sure why. Maybe because I love boys! I would love a girl as well one day...but boys are just what I always imagine having. As I was planning for my sweet boy's arrival the topic of circumcision came up ofcourse ( as here in the GOOD OL FREAKING USA it is a routine procedure for some reason)..anyway...but yes, the topic had to come up. I was actually asked by my midwife if this was something I was going to be doing, and with no thought really I assumed I was. I thought it would be best to leave this decision up to my boyfriend Zachary...as he is the one with the penis. Orcourse, since Zachary is circumcised, he was all for this. He assumes since his penis is cut that's how it is. Un cut penises are "weird, gross, unsanitary" more likely to get infected blah blah BLAH. I honestly agreed with it at the time. I had never had intercourse with a guy who was intact...I had never really studied an intact penis before..but I just thought it was better cut. Because that's the way it is here in GOOD OL FREAKIN USA. (Notice any sarcasm??). I get so upset, angry, and hurt thinking about this routine procedure. All the males I talked to about this agreed that circumcision was good. They laughed at and made fun of intact penises (only because they don't know any better) and called them ugly, weird, "dogdick". My friends encouraged this. They agreed it was weird to leave it intact, and that it would be better in the long run if he were cut. My midwife encouraged it to me telling me about all the "harm" leaving it intact could cause. All the "diseases, UTI's, infections" etc. She simply told me all her boys are cut, it's best that way. So, I trusted her. I trusted my boyfriend, my friends, other males I talk to with. My family, and peers. WHY did I not do more research? Why did not a single person steer me in a different direction. Only when it was too late did I get information on how truly messed up this procedure is.
Now, let's go back to the procedure. I went in to see a surgeon who was going to cut my son's penis. We went in for our appointment, and were ready to do this. Whenever I was in the waiting room, everything in my gut was telling me to grab my sweet boy, and run. I didn't listen. We went into the room...saw the table they were going to strap him to, saw the tools, and then talked with the doctor. My stomach was in a knot. I am in tears just writing this. The doctor said we weren't allowed to be in there for the procedure (SIGN TO RUN), so we went to the waiting room. Left our sweet newborn in that room with that doctor. To cut him. The whole time we were in the waiting room I was just a mess. Thinking, "Why am I doing this". Zachary was reassuring me everything was fine, he will be just fine. I trusted that. When we went to get him....he was not crying, but had a look of shock and fear on his face and in his eyes that, I swear, still haunts my thoughts. I have only told this to one person, Zachary, but that look he had on his face will never leave my mind. For a while after this I made myself believe I was crazy, and that he was fine. But, I know better. It is wrong what I did to him, and I will never be able to forgive myself. I saw my son's red penis that had just been cut, and my stomach and heart was telling me how wrong this was. This was the first time this mommy instinct was making me feel this way. I just knew it wasn't right. I literally made myself believe otherwise, but I knew in my heart it was a mistake.
That same day, after the procedure, I was told some information about circumcision that broke my heart. Literally. I was told how unnecessary and wrong it was AFTER I allowed that doctor to cut him. I did some research on circumcision, but not balanced research. I looked up pros of circumcision, not the other side of the story, and I will forever regret that. Not a day goes by that I dont feel guilt and regret about this. Everytime I look at my son's penis, I think how wrong I was to take that skin from him. I get so depressed about this all the time. This is something that keeps me up at night. I start thinking about this often, and cannot get over it. I am not sure how long I will feel guilt and pain about this, but 17 months later the feeling of guilt is strong. Worse than ever really. I hold my baby and cry about this often. I cant help but to think that one day I will have to explain this to him. Explain that I allowed a doctor to cut skin from his penis. Skin that he was BORN with. Skin that nature provided the penis with to protect it. One day he will be sexually active, and I robbed him of so many nerve endings that him and his partner will miss out on.
If I am to have another boy, I will have to explain to them why they are different. Why one of their penises doesn't look like daddy's. I dont want to have to tell Rylan that I allowed him to be cut. I made a decision for his penis that he will have to live with forever. It deeply hurts me to think about. I am bawling this typing it out now. And...excuse any errors I have made typing, because I do not want to go back and read over this. I cant stop crying as it is.
Thankfully Rylan's penis is fine, and the doctor did a good job on his little penis, but just knowing something "could have been" gives me a sick feeling.
I do know that Rylan will most likely love his penis no matter what (already does), but I hope he can forgive me for this. I hope when he is able to comprehend the situation, he will not resent me for it. I hope he has no problems with his cut penis, and lives happily with the desision I made for him. I just know, I will forever be regretful.
For any moms out there who are living with this pain, you are not alone. BIG HUGS. I just hope that maybe this post can steer someone in a different direction about circumcision, because I was too late finding out the truth.
You know, I don't believe in god. I believe in life, in nature, in the mind and body. I believe in evolution and our Earth. But if there were a god, don't you think god created boys with that skin for a reason?? God definitely wouldn't create a perfect boy with skin on the penis only for us to go chopping it off. I believe in nature, and nature's perfect penis design was not meant to be cut. That skin is there to protect the penis. People can go on and on about infection without circumcison, but that's just an excuse. If cleaned and cared for properly, the penis will be just fine. Just as intended.
I have learned many lessons since becomming a parent. One being, TRUST that mama gut. Another thing I have learned, always research. All sides of the argument. Form an educated opinion before making decisions, especially one's that you will forever have to live with. It truly breaks my heart and makes me so sad that I was too late in finding how wrong circumsision is. Now, I am in no way wrong or abusive to my child. I would never do something to hurt him. I honestly thought circumcision was the best option for my son. I thought I was doing him a favor, and it would be best in the long run. No way. I was wrong.
All of these things about better hygeine, uti's, stds/diseases, less chance of penile cancer, better to be done as an infant, needing to look like dad/fit in with peers is a bunch of CRAP. None of those things are true, or that skin would have not been there when born. It is okay to be different that peers, and daddy. Parents before me have made this mistake before over and over, and all these boys who are cut had no say in it. I made a horrible decision for Rylan, one that he may have not wanted. At least if he were intact, he could make that decision for himself to cut it if he pleased. But why the hell would he want to? I play this out in my head over and over, and I just cannot believe I did this to him. I cannot wrap my mind around the fact that I allowed a doctor to CUT his penis. His perfect penis.
:(
This was not easy to write, and these feelings are hard to express, but here it is. My regret about circmcision.
I hope that more parents start to understand the severity of this "routine procedure". The feeling of pain and regret is intense, and I would go back to that day and not do it if I could. If I could go back and change one mistake in life, this would be it.
Now, every parent should watch this before doing this to their perfect boy's penis. It should be required.
It's not easy to watch, and I can't watch it without bawling. It hurts me so bad, I could never express it enough.
I hope to help someone with this. It's so sad that I had to experience this, but here it is. Here's my story. My regrets.
All I can hope for is that time will heal this wound and hurt I have for robbing my son of his penis the way nature intended. All I can hope is that I will eventually come to terms with this, and be okay. Mistake made, lesson learned. It just hurts to know it could have been prevented by listening to my gut.
Any future boys will be left intact. And I am so sorry to my Rylan Jude he was robbed of this. Please forgive me Rylan.
NaturalMommyNaomi. <3
So, I received a Cosmo Voxbox through influenster.com. Let me just say, I was BEYOND thrilled and pleased with it!!! First off, I woud like to talk about the products.
Proactiv
Vitabath
Venus Proskin Razor
All three are approved by this mama!!!
Proactiv is very effective when you use it correctly. It leaves my skin feeling soft, and gets rid of the pimples! The only drawback is that it's not natural. It smells "chemical-ish", which I am not a fan of. But it does indeed work well! If only I would have used this when I was 13 and covered in zits!!!! I would show a picture of my pimple face...but it is very scary. An akward time in my life!
Next is the Vitabath!! AND OH MY I LOVE IT! I got the In Bloom Asian Orcard and Coconut. Let me say, it smells just like you would imgagine with a scent title like that. SO good. It is paraben and sulfate free, which is a HUGE plus!!! It smells great, lathers great, and leaves my skin soft and delicous! I give this both my thumbs up!
Last is the Venus Proskin Razor...which is so great! I get razor burn pretty badly, so this was amazing to me after I shaved winter coat #1 off, and NO razor burn!!! It's the mousterizing razor, and it definitely does the job!
Like I said, I was PUMPED, and ECSTATIC to get these products, and enjoyed them all so well!!
So...as the wninter is approaching, so are the germs! While I do think germs are great, and I am the least scared of germs, it is important to keep your body up to par to fight off any possible infection!
I have just gotten over some "gunk"...but I never really was sick I suppose. I woke up with a tiny bit of throat soreness, but no fever or any other sypmtoms really, so immediately I started on my trusty immune boosting/cold fighting remedy! Taking vitamin c everyday is important, but when I start to feel down I ensure to get plenty of vitamin c...and if there is some "gunk" involved I garlic tea it up!!!!!
Cold/infection/flu fighting remedy!!
Chop fresh garlic, and leave to sit for ten minutes..something about the healing properties coming alive...
Steep chopped garlic into water and prepare hot tea of choice! I like chamomile or green tea when I am sick especially.
Mix in fresh lemon, and honey.
Surprisingly, the garlic tea is soooo yummy! Maybe I am just a garlic freak though?
But, a few of these drinks during the day, and one before bed, I wake up feeling great!
A video I made about immune boosting foods and natural remedies!!!
With all of that being said....I found an old picture of my sweet baby, that I have to share here. What a sweet boy! Possibly one of my favorite pictures of all time. Co-sleeping with my baby has been such an amazing experience, and here is my innocent boy in mama's bed!
I think he is the sweetest thing in the entire world! In my entire world at least. :) I think he was about 5 months here.
My first date night since I was pregnant is coming!!!!! That's right, I have not been away from Rylan over night...nor just on a date. Zach and I have gone to the Bass Hall to see the ballet, "Cinderella", and I have gone to a movie with my best friends once...otherwise, Rylan has been there. And I am going OUT on a date ALL NIGHT LONG, without Rylan. It's sad...but I am SOOOOOOOO excited!! He will be with my friend who I trust indefinitely, so I am not worried..but pumped and ecstatic!! We are going out for Zachary's birthday, the big 21! So...he will be obnoxiously drunk I am sure...while I dress ridiculously lovely, and I may have a drink or two! I think it is going to be the best night, I just know it!
Happy Thanksgiving!!!!! Visiting with family and eating lots of food! I should just say, I am thankful this year for so many things. My boyfriend, for being my love and giving me the best gift I could ask for...I am thankful for Rylan, for showing what unconditional love is, and my purpose in life..for letting me know everyday how much he loves me..even when he has been a goober..for teaching me more than anyone else has, and for being so perfect and true. I am thankful for my dad, for supporting my decisions always, and helping me through life, for allowing me to live in his home still, and for teaching me so much. Im thankful for my friends for loving me for who I am, being there for me no matter what. For guiding me in the right direction, and being with me even at my worst. I must say... I have found true, great friends, and I am so lucky to have them. I am thankful for my mom, despite our differences, but I do love her...and she did give me life. She has never judged me, and I love her for that. I am thankful for knowing things I know now, and for helping others through my knowledge and experiences. You know...even if only one person is listening...that counts for something. If for throwing myself out there, it only helps or comforts one person..I am happy.
Off of my ramble now....but I am thankful for life! And for food and water. Electricity, and a car. Id love to live like a pilgrim..but too bad it's 2011 and I am in Texas!!
One more sweet picture of my sweet boy, then I am off to bed.
Ive been babysitting my best friend Sarah's baby, sweet baby boy Judah, and it has been such an experience! Finding a balance between a newborn baby (who is becomming not so newborn each time I see him) and my crazy attention loving toddler is a task! Rylan wants my attention and for me to play with him all day, and is slowly getting used to me caring for another baby. He is so silly about his mama milk when I am holding Judah. He thinks that I am going to give it up or something! When I am holding Judah or feeding him a bottle (of his mommy's expresses milk ofcourse) Rylan is right at me signing for milk and saying , "Mama Baaaaa"...which is his term for BOOB!!! If someone were to walk in they would think I am crazy!!! Holding Judah in my arms, feeding him a bottle..with my boob out dangling for Rylan to walk up and have a sip! He likes to feel like he can have milk while Judah has it I suppose. Rylan does love his Judah though. All day long he wants to kiss him, and brings him toys. Sweet boy. He also doesn't understand you have to be gentle with the baby...we're working on that.
Rylan kissing his baby! <3
On a whole different note, I had my first chiropractic adjustment on Wednesday..and OH MY I left that office feeling great! I never reaized how bad my neck and back truly hurt until it didn't hurt at all!!! The adjustment only held a few days...cause it was my first..but I sure cannot wait for another!!! Random..but it was very exciting for me.
My last post was very depressing, and I am still sad, just trying to channel my sadness elsewhere. I need to start exercising. That is what I want to accomplish in my life right now. How have I not exercised in so long? My poor body is dying for it!I hope to start soon...I thought about starting tonight..but then I ate some cobbler instead:( Ohhh well! Tomorrow is a new day. OH AND JENNY...I dont know how to respond to comments just yet...still figuring this out. But, you said the most upliftng, sweet, sincere things to me in response to my posts, and it brought me to tears reading. I love you so much for that.
I like this blog thing...it's quite nice!!! I know this is kinda random...but my mind is kinda random right now.
I LOOOOOOVE these footed jammies! I want him to have many many more jammies with feeties!!!
Anyway...I am off to bed. I am going to do somthing productive tomorrow! Productivty is what I need!
Something that hurts more than anything else...the feeling of being betrayed. Have you ever trusted someone, only to find that you've been lied to? I have been on both sides here. I have lied, I have betrayed, I have done things in my past that I am not proud of. I know how hard it is to gain trust from someone....and I know how hard it is to trust again after betrayal. Feeling like everything you thought you knew was only lies...is an awful feeling. A feeling of shame and embrrassment. You mean...you all knew?? Behind my back?? And here I am clueless? Am I the laughing stock of the room when I am gone? Do you not feel guilt when you look me in the eye and lie? All questions running through me. Eating me up. It makes me so sad to know I convinced myself I was crazy for accusing...all along I was right. I was not crazy...yet you make me feel like the crazy one??
Life goes up and down...and mine seems to be hitting a low place right now. Things can only go up from down here right? The only thing that keeps me sane and focused is Rylan. The light of my life, so pure and loving. So happy to see me everyday. I trust him with my life, and I know he has no intentions of letting m down. Not for a long long while I am sure.
Ohhhhhh I don't even know how to feel. But I do feel very alone. On a one way path. The one person I trust the most is the one person to have lied to me and let me down. Why? I am not sure really. But it hurts, I do know that. Thinking about all the time I was in the dark..makes me feel stupid. I am not the ignorant one, yet I feel so ignorant.
I hope life brings me somewhere I can excel. Somewhere with hope, and somewhere with an answer.
Everyone around me is so happy, and I thought I was too...but really I am only kidding myself. I feel alone. That's how I feel.
Rylan of course is here. And he always will be. And I am grateful everyday for that.
I am not even sure what I am talking about anymore. But..I need a vacation. I need a hug. A shoulder to cry on. Or, I guess I could get myself a huge straw..and suck it up.
Anyway, Goodnight.
To myself I guess, since I am the only one to read this.
Some days I get so emotional thinking about and looking at my son Rylan Jude. I literally love him so much it makes me cry. I never thought someone so small could teach me so much everyday. Today I was playing with Rylan, stacking blocks and pushing his truck back and forth with him, and he did the sweetest thing, I was as a loss for words at how amazing he is. I mean, everyday he amazes me ...but it is unbelieveable that I have such a beautiful child. One who loves me no matter what.He is so innocent and loving, and I couldn't ask for anything better. He is perfect. As we were playing, Rylan stopped what he was doing and came to me and wrapped his arms around me and rested himself on me for a minute...hugging me so sweet, and I know he was telling me how much he loves me. What a great feeling that is, hugging your child. So many people take that for granted, and I don't ever want to forget how special each and every hug, kiss, smile, giggle, cuddle, and love from my son is to me. I am so lucky to have him, as he is me. I love him so much that it makes me cry. I cry often thinking about how much love I have for him. My baby is growing so fast, and I want to treasure each moment of it!
What a sweet sweet boy he is<3
Kissing his daddy<3
I only have one follower on this blog here....I know I can always count on my bestie JENNY to care about what I have to say here. Followers really isnt my point here anyway. Writing in journals and diary's are a great therapy for me. I like to have this space to rant..to brag...to share..to document. It's nice. It's my own personalized page to write my feelings, and honestly...who doesn't love to talk about their feelings? Some people hide their feelings...but I just know they are bursting to want to share them. This is the perfect place for me to share! To throw it out there...burp it out somewhere..releasing it into the world! It's a good feeling.
It's a great feeling!!!!
I have been rambling really.....but I do have an issue at hand the moment I am writing this....my TOES are FREEZING!!!!! They wont warm up. Good thing Rylan is wearing his footed jammies to sleep!!!
Anyway...off to bed. A new day is on the rise....a new day filled with love.
My first blog entry! I made the blog a while ago...and here I am with my first entry. What to write about? Well, I will start with something I LOVE..which is cloth diapering! I am feeling kind of sad about diapers soon coming to an end...(weird?). Yes, potty training is coming soon I feel. Rylan has started talking about peeing and pooping and we have started introducing the potty. This is so bittersweet to me. I am not sure if I am quite ready for the cloth fluffy bum to be gone! But I know I will be very proud of my big boy. Either way it's a huge step. For the BOTH of us. As I was folding diaper laundry...stuffing inserts and folding wipes and prefolds...I thought to myself..."When Rylan is potty trianed...does that mean I get to have a new baby to fill these diapers"?
I sure hope so!!!!!!
Here is my stash of diapers video...the stash has been added to. But here is some of Rylan's diapers that have been so wonderful to us!
Hope you're having a fluffy day!
Love love love, NaturalMommyNaomi<3
Rylan having his milk before a nap:)
Mommy and Rylan!
Playing the keyboard with daddy on xmas eve
Sweet buddies! Two diaper changes at once:)
Rylan on his new horsey he got for xmas!
