I WON THE BABY LOTTERY!!!


Not exactly...but I like to believe so. I know all babies are amazing, wonderful, sweet, adorable etc...but I want to brag about MY amazing, wonderful, sweet, adorable, kissable, smiley, sweetie pie Indee Rose.


Ohhhh Indee Rose! How I love her so.
I honestly never thought I could love another as much as I love Rylan, but Indee has made my heart DOUBLE in size. She has shown me a whole new kind of love. A love for my daughter<3 I love my sweet girl so much it makes me cry!
I have an incredible son, and a beautiful daughter. My heart is SO FULL.

Indee is so sweet I can hardly take it. She is so healthy and happy. She is peaceful, calm, content. She loves to sleep. She loves to nurse and cuddle. She loves to be touched, loved, and tickled. She loves to talk and hear herself! She is so vibrant. I am so excited to see how Indee develops and how her personality blossoms. Her tempermant is so happy all of the time, she has been since birth. What an angel baby she is!

Rylan was an amazing baby as well, but I must be honest here he was a bit grumpy. He has always been a sweetie, but has always required a little extra attention to reach a state of contentedness. He always had to be rocked and held and nursed. And always had gas and tummy issues. I have no complaints, I embraced every bit of him, still do. Even now as a toddler he always needs a little extra attention, and sometimes isn't the easiest to console. He is such a sweet, brilliant little boy regardless. He is amazing in every single way.

But Indee....sweet Indee. She is always happy and hardly ever cries. She doesn't require a whole lot of extra anything to be happy. She doesn't ever wake up crying. EVER. I really cannot recall a single time she has woken up crying, or cried throughout the night. She always wakes up,kicks around,  makes sweeeet grunt noises, nurses, goes to sleep. She never wakes up from a nap crying or upset. If she has been awake a while and I still haven't gotten her she will yell a bit, but she hardly ever gets worked up.
She goes with the flow.
Such a beautiful soul she is, I can see every one she meets is going to fall in love with her.
She is so amazing to me it is unreal. I cannot believe she is mine, and I am her mommy. I truly was "blessed" with the most amazing little girl.


Anyway. She is so incredible, I just want to share her with the world!
I hope the world takes care of my sweet princess in return:)


xoxo

She has even grown since these pictures. I will upload new pictures when I get them from my camera. Such a doll!

Free Range, Free Spirited, Free Thinking, Strong Willed RYLAN!!!


Everyday with Rylan is a learning experience, for the both of us. Well, now the three of us. Indee is learning along with us! I haven't updated about my sweet Rylan in a while, so I wanted to take some time and talk about him and what is going in on his life.

Rylan has BIG emotions. He feels things very deeply. He feels sadness to an extreme sad, happiness to an extreme HIGH and curiosity to the fullest. 
With all of these big emotions he is always feeling, I have to constantly find ways to understand his emotions and help him to express them. It's not always easy.....especially when the emotions I am trying to help him with are angry, hurt, or confused emotions.

I have been trying really hard lately to change my ways, and consistently give Rylan the love and attention that he needs to feel secure. I would love to say I have always given him the perfect amount of love and security at all times, but that isn't true. I am human, I am a parent, and I am going at it by myself....so unfortunately my patience has run thin...many times. Peaceful parenting is hard. I have yelled, shouted, scolded, and threatened Rylan before..not something I am proud to admit, but I know it isn't the right way to teach Rylan. I don't go around beating my kid or anything, nor have I hit him by any means, but my first reaction to his behavior has been yelling and shaming a time or two. Each time I have felt so much guilt, and swore I would never scream at Rylan or lose my cool again. I don't want to break that or ever treat Rylan less than me. Rylan is a very strong willed little guy. He is brilliant. He knows what he wants, and he wants to be in control. There is nothing wrong with that. Rylan should be in control of his life, and his emotions. I do not OWN him. I am simply here to love him, teach him, and guide him peacefully so that he will grow up loving, learning, and pursuing his life in a peaceful path. I want Rylan to grow up feeling secure with who he is, and never feel that he is inferior to anyone.    
So many parents think that they need to control their kids. At some times I feel the same. "Rylan don't touch that, don't do that, don't say that, don't yell, don't whine" those words have come out of my mouth before and I HATE them.  
Rylan is entitled to touch whatever he wants, do what he want's, and whine when he wants. To an extent of course. There are always boundaries with what children can do of course...but I feel like sometimes I am agitated with something he is doing when really....why???
I try to take a second to think about "Is what Rylan is doing right now bad behavior that needs intervention (hurting himself, hurting others etc) or is it just annoying to me?? So, that has changed my perspective a little.

Peaceful parenting can be so hard. I always feel like I am being judged.
Yes I have THAT kid. The wild one who talks really loudly and screams alot. Who throws huge tantrums whenever wherever.
He is also incredibly sweet and caring. He is curious and loving. He is silly and cuddly. He just has really big emotions and needs help understanding them.
I think it's also his age. Other kids his age all have lots of similar tantrum throwing ways.

I have people that try to put me down saying I am not doing it right for not spanking, yelling, shaming etc.
 But, I truly feel in my heart that I need to have patience with Rylan. I need to give him big hugs and tickles when he's mad or sad...not send him to time out, scream at him, or hurt him. He needs emotional support always.
If I shame him, put him down, yell at him, and hurt him when he is trying to understand his emotions, and how to act in this world...how will he trust me?
One day when he has big things going on in his life, I wan't him to trust that I am there...to listen, to love, to support. I want him to trust that now as well. I am here always.


Some people have expectations that your child needs to act, think, and speak a certain way. They expect that your child needs to listen and obey.

I don't want Rylan to obey me "cause I said so" that is wrong. Who's to say I know it all? I don't. It's bullshit. Rylan needs to know he should question everything and everyone, including me. He shouldn't feel that he has to obey.

I feel that giving him freedom in his life, allowing him to take the lead will help him to feel confident and secure.
Really rambling....I am just so sick of hearing I am doing it all wrong.

Screaming, shouting, and shaming is all wrong.

I strive for more patience in my life. I am committing myself to open my mind to Rylan's mind. Connecting with him on a level that builds his trust and makes him feel secure.

I do have wonderful best friend support in all of this, but have some very negatives in my life that are bringing me down....

I refuse to let the negatives consume me! Peaceful thoughts, patience, and love are on my mind:)


xoxoxox
Naomi<3

Indee Rose has given me a new purpose....

I had a long thought today as I stared at my innocent beauty Indee Rose this morning.

At first when I became pregnant with her I was confused, upset, lost, regretful. As sad as I feel to admit this...she is the light of my life, but at one point I was ashamed of myself for not being more careful, and waiting to have another child. I felt embarrassed of being pregnant again when I wasn't in a more ideal situation, or married. Rylan still needed all of my attention, but he has adjusted well and I think Indee is just the icing on our cake!
At that time I didn't know their father would abandon me to do this alone, but I think this is all the way it was meant to be.
He had to leave us and change and be the person he is today for me to finally see why we should not be together. Maybe that was Indee's purpose? To give me a new love, and get rid of an old one.
I think my problem with not being able to see all of this, and the reason I dwelled for so long and so hard on him bailing on us is because of my nature of being too codependent.
Being alone and single is a really hard thing for me, always has been, but right now I am starting to feel it is such a blessing I am alone.
Sure, I wanted my family together, but everyone involved has to want that, sadly their father doesn't understand family, love, and respect for family. He is a little too selfish to care for children.
I have been reading a fabulous book, "Codependent No More" and I feel like it is literally changing my life!

I don't need to be dependent on anyone but myself. I am strong, beautiful, and have two wonderful little blessings.

I don't need the emotional, and verbal abuse. I don't need to be manipulated.

The relationship I have been in for the last 4 years was based on lust, and codependency. We enjoyed eachother so much because we have good conversation, similar views in some ways, and an attraction for one another. We had ZERO respect in our relationship, neither one of us. I didn't respect him due to his selfish ways, and he didn't respect me...due to his selfish ways.

I guess I never realized that their were "real" men with real morals, real respect, real love, and real compassion. Was too focused on the fact I didn't want to be a single mom, and I wanted to be a family. Which I still want...not with him anymore. I want someone to respect me.

I realize now that I was codependent on an idea of what I thought our relationship was going to be, or turn into. I always depended on the thought things would change and be better.
But, now I know that the only person who I can be dependent on is ME.

CODEPENDENT NO MORE.

xoxo
Naomi

What does happiness mean for me??


I read something today that says, "The first step to happiness is defining what happiness means for you."

I suppose it inspired me a bit..
What does happiness mean for me??

Happiness is being filled with love, extreme peace, and contentment. Happiness is also loving, accepting, and appreciating who you are. Happiness is respect for yourself and others. Happiness is being to others as you would be to yourself.

My beautiful children remind me of happiness everyday. Each of them are so unique and beautiful and bring much happiness to my life. Most of my happiness. Watching them grow and learn everyday is the most incredible, happy feeling in the world.

Happiness is also family. I wish I weren't a single mom in my lovely family..but it is that way, and I am proud of myself. One day I am sure I will have someone else to share all of my happiness and family with, but until then Rylan Jude and Indee Rose are all of the happy family I need.

Happiness is also health, and respecting your body. I haven't always respected my body, but I do now more than ever.
Happiness is feeling beautiful. Happiness is breathing fresh air, and feeling the wind.
Happiness is enjoying nature, respecting/cherishing our planet and animals.

Happiness is breastfeeding my beautiful babies. Both of them. Individually, and together.
Happiness is eating fresh foods, and drinking clean water.

Happiness is caring about others, and having others who care about you.
Happiness is friendship, laughter, and even tears.

Happiness is feeling emotions.

How do I achieve all of this happiness?? How does anyone?

LET IT BE.

Find happiness in everything, and find happiness in everyone who finds happiness in YOU. 

 xoxo. Naomi<3

My sweetest Indee Rose<3 December 27, 2012 11:47 pm. Weighed 7 LBS 3 OZ 20.5 Inches long!

December 27, 2012. 40 weeks 6 days pregnant OH MY!!!

For weeks now I had been having inconsistent braxton hicks. Sometimes they were actually uncomfortable, but never regular. Never formed a pattern. From 35 weeks is about when the BH started. They really started to pick up at 38 weeks, which is when I imagined she would make her arrival like Rylan did. 39 weeks came, 40 weeks came. STILL no baby! The contractions really picked up in the last week of my pregnancy. They were happening on the daily at this point. Never regular though, although most of the time quite uncomfortable. Every night they would really pick up, about every 8-10 minutes, then I would go lay down to go to bed and they were gone. I tried everything to bring them on. I ate literally 3 whole pineapples by myself over the course of this week. I sat on my birth ball everyday, did squats, had a dance party with Rylan daily, ate eggplant, walked, walked, walked, walked, and walked some more! I went to the mall at least 4 times and walked around hoping something will happen. Nothing. She truly was coming on her terms. I dont know why I came so impatient, looking back I am so happy with how everything turned out, I cant believe I was in such a hurry! I think every woman gets to that point of "I DONT WANT TO BE PREGNANT I WANT MY BABY NOW"!! I was most definitely there. But, I am thankful I allowed my body to do what it was meant to do. I never really doubted my body, but I was becoming very impatient.
I went to the chiropractor at least 6 times the last 3 weeks of my pregnancy hoping she could adjust that baby on out! Nothing happened until little miss Indee said it was going to happen though!

Thursday December 27, 2012 I was 40 weeks and 6 days pregnant!! (BIRTH DAY) Pretty much I came to the conclusion she was coming soon, any day or moment and I just needed to stop thinking about it. I woke up and went about my normal day. Made breakfast, had a dance party with Rylan, sat on my birth ball. And I had the urge to clean and get the house in order, so I did that. I swept and mopped the floors, cleaned the bathrooms, organized, did dishes, and laundry...also decided to put the crib together! Although, I am not sure I will ever use it....( I cannot get enough of this snuggly little girl in bed with me, as I am sure she cant either). Anyway...by this point in the day it was NAPTIME! My favorite time of day. So, Rylan and I laid down for a nap..and for some reason I laid there the whole time and couldn't sleep...maybe it was the coffee I randomly decided to drink in the morning?? So, for the first time in weeks I didn't actually take a nap, just laid there...(go figure, actual birth day I cant seem to nap)! I did lay there for a while until Rylan woke up, and we got up, ate lunch, and got ready to head to the chiropractor! My back had been aching all day, so I figured an adjustment would do me some good!
TMI: for 3 days I had been losing my mucus plug, and on this day (birth day) I was pooping like crazy! Literally pooped probably 8 times throughout the day, and continued to poop while laboring at home.
Our appointment was at 3:30 pm, I got adjusted and shortly after contractions picked up every 4-5 minutes apart. The whole car ride home they happened that close together, and were quite uncomfortable but I just assumed they were uncomfortable because I was in the car, in extreme 4:00 traffic, driving...so I really didnt believe they were "real" contractions. I got home, and put a movie on for Rylan so I could relax a little, make dinner, and see where these contractions were going. They of course slowed down. Started coming every 10, 12, 8, 4, 6, 5 minutes. So, I assumed they would go away again. I made food, sat on the birth ball, and nursed Rylan for a while. Rylan's Nene (great grandmother) came over to bring him some XMAS presents, and the whole time she was here these contractions came. They were pretty close together and uncomfortable. Probably every 4 minutes or so, and to the point I had to move/sway/breathe through them. They definitely were requiring my attention. The whole time Nene was over, I was focused on these contractions, texting/calling my midwife about what was going on. For some reason Rylan threw up at this time...not sure if he was having some sympathy pains or a little stressed or what??
Nene decided she would go on home so I could get grumpy/stressed Rylan in bed, and go lay down myself to see what these contractions were going to do.
I put Rylan to bed and the whole time these contractions were coming. Every 4 minutes or so. I was still kind of in denial they were real...but I for sure was not able to lay down and sleep. I laid in bed for almost an hour, and they became much more intense. I called my midwife, Emily, and told her I was not able to lay down through them, and she advised I get in the bath and see how I felt afterwards. She told me I was welcome to come on in to the birth center at this point, but I was still in denial they were real.
I took a bath, and the contractions were getting stronger, although the bath felt nice, these contractions were not going away!!
I phoned Emily again and told her it was time to come in...and that we would be there in an hour or so. I then called my friend Sarah who was driving me to the center, told her it was time. I phoned my lovely friend Jenny to let her know, and let Zach know it was time.  I was REALLY having to work through these contractions at this point, they were requiring all of my attention and focus. I tried really hard to breathe, relax, and work WITH the waves, rather than against them. I kept telling myself that my body was bringing baby DOWN and I needed to focus. I was laboring alone, and all over the place. I couldn't get comfortable in any position, and pretty much spent this time walking around, leaning on things, swaying through the waves. I kept getting on my hands and knees to work through the waves, and leaning over my birth ball. Nothing was making the contractions any more comfortable, but I was doing my best to work with my body. I remember I kept tensing my shoulders up, and realizing it and trying so hard to focus on keeping calm and aware. Rylan at this point woke up (probably all of the POOP trips to the bathroom I kept taking....I felt like I needed to pee or poop with every contraction..which I now realize is because she was DOWN and ready to come soon). Rylan was so very concerned, he didn't know what to think. I was trying to gather all my things and bags and put them at the door for when Sarah arrived, and Rylan just followed me around crying. I held him in my lap in between contractions to let him know everything was okay, but when a contraction came, all of my focus went to them, and he was crying a whole lot. I felt terrible I wasn't able to comfort him, but these waves required all of my attention. They were coming every 2 minutes apart and lasting well over a minute...which felt like BACK to BACK. They were coming one after another. It was about 10:00 pm at this point, and Sarah arrived. Her and Jantzen got the car ready and packed up, got the carseats (Rylan's and Sarah's son Judah's seats) settled and ready, and got the car warmed up. The whole time they were packing the car up, I was swaying through the waves, on my hands and knees, and on the birth ball. Sarah was comforting Rylan and getting him ready, letting him know everything was okay.
I am SO SO thankful for Sarah. She really saved me here! While I was trying not to stress about Rylan and how upset/stressed he was it was very hard to not pay attention to him, although these contractions were requiring my full attention.
We finally got into the car and OH MY GOSH MY GAS LIGHT WAS ON. UGH. Of course. Leave it to me to not have gas in the car. So, we stopped at the gas station, and the stupid pump was broken and Sarah was trying to pump the gas the best she could with the stupid pump. Finally we got the gas and were on the way....and these contractions were INTENSE. I was so upset about having to be in the car through this, it was SO uncomfortable Much more uncomfortable than being in the car with Rylan's labor (even though with both babies I was pretty much ready to push in the car). I got that urge....oh no I thought...we are going to have the baby in the car! I was trying to focus and kept closing my eyes and wiggling around in the seat trying to get as comfortable as possible, and I remember saying "SHIT" with most of these contractions as they were intense. The whole way to the center, there was horrible fog outside, and poor Sarah was probably thinking the whole time about how we were gonna deliver this baby on the side of the road. The urge to push was there, but not as strong as it was gonna get thankfully.
FINALLY we got to the center at 11:06 pm and I got out of the car swiftly and immediately threw myself over the couch and my wonderful midwife Emily immediately rubbed my back and comforted me. I then threw myself on my hands and knees with the next contraction and she kept rubbing me. I told her "I need in the tub NOW"! They had the tub ready and warm for me, and I slipped right on in! OH MY RELIEF! That was amazing. I was so thankful to have made it there and to be in that tub. The contractions eased up a bit in the tub, but they were still coming every 1-2 minutes and lasting about 90 seconds. It was pretty intense. I just laid my head over the tub and tried to relax my shoulders, and Emily comforted me. I asked her if she would check me...which I didn't intend on doing, but I just knew it had to be about time for her to come out with the way I was feeling. Sure enough, I was 9.5 cm dialated, fully effaced, and she said I had an anterior lip. I decided to wait it out a bit, and the next time she checked me I got rid of the lip and was fully dialated! I REALLY felt her coming down now, I knew it was going to be anytime now. We were only there for 41 minutes before she was born, so sometime within that time I went from 9.5 to 10 cm and was pushing her out! With each wave I had to hold my butt, cause I literally felt like it was gonna fall out!! HAHA Emily ensured me it wouldn't fall out, but the counter pressure was wonderful!
My best friends Sarah and Jenny were cheering me on and being so supportive! Reminding me I could do this, because at this point I was moaning, and making alot of noise with the waves. 
Finally with each Push I felt her head! It kept coming down into my vagina with each wave, then going back in a little when it was over. I felt it all! It was AMAZING!!! I kept my hand down there to feel her come, and her head was born!! As soon as her head came out, I gave one big push and her body slipped out easily! SHE WAS BORN!!!!!!!! That was at 11:47 pm, only 41 minutes from the time we walked in, to the time she was born! WOW! My body is truly amazing!
Right when she came out I had to adjust my leg around, and pulled her up to me, and started bawling. I couldn't believe she was here. In my arms. Couldn't believe I just did that! I am truly a birth goddess! What an incredible feeling!
I think this all made Rylan a little nervous hearing my make such load noises, because he came back and threw up when she was born....but Nene was there comforting him, and Sarah ensured him those were beautiful noises, and beautiful pains that was bringing baby sister into our world!

Her first apgar score was a 9!! Second was a 9!! And third was 10!! She was so perfect, healthy, and pink! And the moment I pulled her up to my chest, she opened her big eyes and was staring at me<3 such bliss. She was so incredibly beautiful, and I remember saying over and over how I couldn't believe she was here and how much she looked like Rylan. And she had SO much dark hair!!! Such a beauty.
We waited for the cord to stop pulsating, and Jenny cut it! Then little Indee pooped meconium all over me! I was convered in meconium, and had no worries. What a blissful moment.
Finally we wrapped her up and they helped me out of the tub and onto the bed. I got her shortly after and tried nursing. It took her about 30 minutes before she really latched on, and when she latched she was eating so well! She nursed for an hour or two after birth, then we got into the herbal bath together! OH MY the herbal bath was AMAZING!!! Felt so wonderful on my poor butt that nearly fell out, haha.

After our herbal bath Indee slept and slept! I ate some food, and my midwife examined my vagina...no stitches for me!!! YAY!!! I was dreading the thought of stitches, so I am very happy they weren't necessary! After my exam, we did her newborn exam to find she is so absolutely perfect! She weighed 7 lbs, 3 oz and was 20.5 inches long. After the exam I ate some more food, and we filled out paperwork and got ready to go home! We went home around 5 am, so we were there for about 5.5 hours! What an incredible experience. My best friends were there cheering me on the whole time, letting me know I was amazing, that my body was meant for this, and I could do it! My midwife was so supportive and encouraging, and everyone around was so incredible! I truly am just in awe of this experience. Such a perfect and smooth birth! I couldn't be happier with how it all turned out.
She is now 7 days old, so perfect in every way. She is a wonderful little chill baby, nurses so well, and loves to be snuggled! I am so in love!!


These pictures are RAW and REAL. The birth pool looks very bloody, but this is just birth. RAW!
Birth video coming soon!!!

 Check out my youtube channel!!!

 I love you sweet Indee Rose!!!!!!

40 WEEKS PREGNANT!!!

I made it to my due date! Say what???
Now as my due date 12/21/12 has come and gone....just waiting, waiting, waiting on BABY!!

At this point things are taking their sweet time. Where oh where is my squishy newborn? Still in the BELLY!

How far along? Currently 40 weeks 1 day pregnant as writing this.

Not sure how to feel that I don't have my sweet girl yet, but I am happy she is nice and FULL TERM!

Total weight gain: Pre pregnancy weight 135. Now 158. Total of 23 pounds gained so far. Gaining weight has been such a struggle for me this pregnancy! But, I feel comfortable with my weight gain, and I know she is nice and healthy in there:) With Rylan I gained a total of 25 pounds, he was born at 38 weeks....so I am a little smaller this pregnancy! But comparing my belly casts, I think she is bigger that he was! We shall see!

Rylan's yellow Belly cast, baby GIRL'S blue belly cast! Both done around 35 weeks!

Maternity clothes? I have been wearing maternity pants, sweatpants.Pretty much I dont leave the house since working from home, so I am always in comfy clothes!I am down to about 2 shirts that fit, and one pair of pants that fits...so clothes are limited!

Stretch marks? I have small marks that have extended from my marks from Rylan! Very small, and only a couple. They are in the exact spots his marks are, on my LOVE HANDLES! I suppose I stretch from the back to front, just as I did with Rylan. Luckily this time, my butt has not extended into the next country though! I have maintained a pretty normal weight growth, and really it's only been my belly that has done all the growing! I got one new stretch mark right above my belly button! VERY random.

Skin, Hair & Nails: My nails have been growing like crazy,My skin is a little pimply this week. Maybe hormones getting ready to deliver?? LETS HOPE SO!

Sleep: Sleeping has been a bit uncomfortable. Can only sleep on my left side, and Rylan likes to be a snuggle bunny...so I am cramped in one position all night. I also wake up to pee every 2 hours, and then have to find a comfortable position again. And the heartburn is INTENSE!

Best moment this week:Taking sick leave from work and being able to rest! Been going to bed by 8 pm every night, it has been nice! I have been spending lots of time with Rylan and preparing for baby girl, so that has been very wonderful!

Miss anything?All the foods I love. I still have lots of aversions, but it is getting better! I miss having a normal appetite, mine is all out of whack!

 

 

Movement: LOTS of movement still! She is a bit cramped and her movements are different now, but she's still going strong in there!

 

Food cravings:Chicken noodle soup, mexican food (although the heartburn is horrendous SOOO horrible), pizza, BBQ, potatoes, avocados, pasta with alfredo sauce, brussel sprouts, poptarts(guilty), cereal with almond milk, chili/bean soup, cornbread, pumpkin,turkey sandwhiches!  I have been DYING to eat some grilled veggie kabobs and some grilled fish. Sounds soooo yummy! Oh man, and California rolls. YUM.

Anything making you queasy or sick:Lots of food is still making me quesy. I still throw up somedays, SO RANDOMELY. I will literally just all of the sudden gag and throw up, out of no where! It's crazy! I have even had to pull over from driving to throw up! I still throw up in the mornings sometimes too. It comes on out of no where. Usually before I have eaten anything.

Gender:BABY GIRL!!!!!! At least I hope she's still a girl in there...I did get another sonogram to make sure, and she claims shes a girl still! I definitely did not see a penis!


Labor signs: I have been experiencing some braxton hicks contractions, crampyness, lots of pressure, but no pattern is being formed. The contractions are all day long, but never get stronger, never progress.

Symptoms: Backaches, exhausted, short of breath, peeing every 20 minutes, HEARTBURN emotional,scatterbrain...(is that a symptom?)..ha. GAS. Oh my how I have forgotten the gas during pregnancy. Lots of nausea. Moody. Crampy. READY.

Belly button in or out?It's out there, no doubt.

Can you see your toes? NO!  Oh my goodness, I have to peek around the belly to see my feet. (DEFinitely cant see my VAG either without peeking around, HAHA!)

Happy or moody most of the time: Ive been pretty moody.Overall happy and anxious for baby to come!

Looking forward to:A large appetite coming soon...still dont have a huge appetite.  I am looking forward to my BIRTH!!!

Looking forward to meeting my baby girl, and giving birth to her. Anxious for labor and the next many months to come!

40 week midwife appt was good. Baby is good, just comfy as can be in there! She is not engaged or really in the position yet, but she is head and shoulders down. She favors the left side rather than the right, so I have been spending lots of time crawling around after Rylan.

 40 weeks!!

Little Rylan as a newborn!! He was SO SO SO TINY!

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Also, check out our collab channel TheCrunchyLife where we talk about crunchy/natural living...the way nature intended!

I guess it's true what they say, a broken heart is blind :(



This post is going to be out of the ordinary, that's for sure.
A few months ago in September I was so rudely awakened with a broken heart. My love of 4 years, boyfriend, father of my children, best friend, partner in crime...dumped me. Left me. Stranded me, broke my heart, and showed no shame in it. At the time I was 6 months pregnant, and working my ASS off to pay for this new baby. He was jobless. Still is actually. Beside the point for now...but I recently had started a new job working 40 hours a week, and had to go through an intense training program when he left me.
WORST possible timing on his part but starting to realize now, I do not need him.

I imagine this post is going to jump around alot, as that is how my feelings are about this subject..all over the place.

My love, lets call him Z, had never betrayed me like this before. I may have been wrong to him in the past, but we have moved on from there...started a family and were moving forward with our lives, so I thought.
Our relationship had been lacking, most definitely, mostly because he refused to get a job while I worked 40 hours a week...so SURE I am gonna be mega bitch, right? I had every right to complain. 6 months pregnant, sole provider/care giver for our 2 year old, and the only one providing for them. So, any self respecting woman in this situation would bitch and complain. The raging hormones don't help anything either!

Anyway. Everyone looking at our relationship from the outside I am sure thought I was an idiot for being with him. No job to support us, no motivation to get a job, and no interest in manning up and being there for your kid...soon to be TWO. Looking back I feel pretty ignorant allowing myself to be hurt like this. But, my unconditional love for Z always outweighed our problems. I always told myself things would get better, he would change BLAH blah blah...because I love him. I say LOVE because, yes, the love is still very much there. Even after being so hurt and betrayed by him, my heart loves and longs for him. Sounds completely idiotic I am sure to anyone but myself. I dont think I will ever stop loving him honestly. We have a connection like no one else I have met. We understand each other, and loved each other very passionately. I am sure I will find love again, and I hope my heart will eventually heal from this, but until then it is very hard to block out the love.

Lets talk about his priorities. He dumped me, and was already talking to some other girl. In fact, the DAY he dumped me I was at work...he took our son to meet some 20 year old girl at the lake without me knowing. NEVER would I take our son to meet up with some guy. What kind of message does that send to the poor 2 year old? Why is daddy talking with some girl thats not mommy? I dont believe it's healthy to bring your children around anyone and everyone. There is a certain level of trust that has to be met to have the privilege of knowing my son, and I dont believe that girl had earned any of that trust. Not from Z or me. Anyway, he "says" that he dumped me because his music that he is pursuing is more important right now. But, all of the sudden he dumps me and then has girls around and all over him constantly...so that must be what it's about right? Not just girls...17 year old girls COME ON right? So...there is a little insight about his priorities. Any guy who would dump their 6 months pregnant girlfriend to go party it up with 17 year old little girls is pathetic. If I were some drug addict horrible mother I could see the logic in this...but as it is I am a wonderful mother. I do anything and everything for our son. I literally go above and beyond to ensure he is happy, healthy, and well, and he seems to think partying is better than that.

My self esteem has been SHIT. for a couple months I literally cried every single day. Most of the day. I didn't want to eat, sleep, care for myself, and really had no motivation to care for Rylan either, sadly. Of course I trucked on and did it, because it is my responsibility, and I love Rylan more than anyone. I am not only obligated, but it is number one priority in my life to care for him the best I can. So, while keeping up with him, dealing with pregnancy, working non stop, and handling my emotions that had left me to a point of depression and exhaustion I cannot even explain really. I still cant say I am over it. Probably wont be for a long time. I am starting to see I can handle it though. I can handle being a single mom, I can handle whatever is in store for me.

Recently I have had an extreme amount of support and love, and my self esteem is on the rise again. Not completely back to normal, but with time it will be. I am just about 9 months pregnant now...so these hormones are not helping! But, eventually I will love myself as much as I deserve to be loved.

For months now I have questioned myself. Who the FUCK am I??
I am single. I am strong. I am beautiful. I am vibrant. I am independent. I am loving. I am compassionate. I am caring. I am scared, but ready. I am lonely. I hate feeling lonely, but having my babies I know I am never alone. I cant help but to be longing to be touched, rubbed, kissed, loved on...but one day I will find someone who can fill that lonely spot. Of course my babies are most important now, but I cant say I want to be in this life without an adult to share it all with. I dont mind just being single with my kids, but I admit I hope to find love.

Love is how I make sense of this world. Love is how I channel my emotions, and intense thoughts. Love is real to me, and I really want to feel it again. I want to be important to a special someone. I want to be on his mind..whoever it will be. I want to be told how beautiful I am every day. I really hope to find this again.

Gosh...I am sure this is so out of order...but this is how it's gonna be. Raw, unedited, real.
Exactly how the words enter my mind is how I write them. Not that there is anyone reading this silly old blog!
But, if you are...please tell me I am not along. Surely I am not the only single mama who feels this much pain from being left?

Finally I am getting to a point where I can forget about Z throughout the day. I can think of what he's doing in his life right now, what he has done to mine, and how he is handling his kids lives and feel sick about him.
Before, I wasn't able to stop thinking about him, so this is a step forward I guess.

It still hurts me to think I am in this single parent thing alone. I never imagined not being a family. It just always made so much sense...Z Naomi and Rylan. We had fun together, explored together, did things together as a family. Now...baby girl is coming and the thought of us not going out together as a famiy, enjoying her every move together as a family...it hurts bad. I have wonderful people around me, sure, but it doesn't replace that feeling of being together as a family.
Maybe one day I will meet someone wonderful who wants to be a part of my family?? Who knows.
Until then, I pick myself off the ground every day and try to move on.

That's really all I can do I guess. Move on. Stand tall. Dont look back, but move forward with love. Move forward with a clear mind. Free my mind from worries, free my heart from hatred, and embrace every moment I have.

Ahhhh I have no idea, but I do know things can only get better from here right??

xoxo Naomi