Something that hurts more than anything else...the feeling of being betrayed. Have you ever trusted someone, only to find that you've been lied to? I have been on both sides here. I have lied, I have betrayed, I have done things in my past that I am not proud of. I know how hard it is to gain trust from someone....and I know how hard it is to trust again after betrayal. Feeling like everything you thought you knew was only lies...is an awful feeling. A feeling of shame and embrrassment. You mean...you all knew?? Behind my back?? And here I am clueless? Am I the laughing stock of the room when I am gone? Do you not feel guilt when you look me in the eye and lie? All questions running through me. Eating me up. It makes me so sad to know I convinced myself I was crazy for accusing...all along I was right. I was not crazy...yet you make me feel like the crazy one??
Life goes up and down...and mine seems to be hitting a low place right now. Things can only go up from down here right? The only thing that keeps me sane and focused is Rylan. The light of my life, so pure and loving. So happy to see me everyday. I trust him with my life, and I know he has no intentions of letting m down. Not for a long long while I am sure.
Ohhhhhh I don't even know how to feel. But I do feel very alone. On a one way path. The one person I trust the most is the one person to have lied to me and let me down. Why? I am not sure really. But it hurts, I do know that. Thinking about all the time I was in the dark..makes me feel stupid. I am not the ignorant one, yet I feel so ignorant.
I hope life brings me somewhere I can excel. Somewhere with hope, and somewhere with an answer.
Everyone around me is so happy, and I thought I was too...but really I am only kidding myself. I feel alone. That's how I feel.
Rylan of course is here. And he always will be. And I am grateful everyday for that.
I am not even sure what I am talking about anymore. But..I need a vacation. I need a hug. A shoulder to cry on. Or, I guess I could get myself a huge straw..and suck it up.
Anyway, Goodnight.
To myself I guess, since I am the only one to read this.
Love, Naomi
You don't need to suck this one up. You do need a hug, a shoulder to cry on. And I am here for that! I'm so sorry you are going through this. I would make it all go away if I could. I just hate to see such a wonderful person in pain. It's not fair. You don't deserve it, you've never deserved it. You will learn to trust again, it will just take time. Everything will work out the way the universe intended.
ReplyDeleteIf you think about it, life HAS brought you somewhere you can excel. Life made you a mother, and you are the best mother ever! It is true. So true that I am shedding tears as I type. You have gone above and beyond compared to most mothers. You truly would do anything for your son, even if that means you miss out on being a typical young woman. But you don't care! You have no desire to take a break from your child. Not once in the last 16 months have you said anything about needing a break. You are incredible and don't ever let anyone tell you any different.
Bad shit happens in life, there's no way around it. It's the way you handle it that makes or breaks you. And you've handled this with love, respect, and grace, as you always do. Your pain will subside. You will trust again. You will get everything you want because you truly deserve it. I love you so much Naomi! Just remember, you are NEVER alone <3<3<3