Indee Rose has given me a new purpose....
I had a long thought today as I stared at my innocent beauty Indee Rose this morning.
At first when I became pregnant with her I was confused, upset, lost, regretful. As sad as I feel to admit this...she is the light of my life, but at one point I was ashamed of myself for not being more careful, and waiting to have another child. I felt embarrassed of being pregnant again when I wasn't in a more ideal situation, or married. Rylan still needed all of my attention, but he has adjusted well and I think Indee is just the icing on our cake!
At that time I didn't know their father would abandon me to do this alone, but I think this is all the way it was meant to be.
He had to leave us and change and be the person he is today for me to finally see why we should not be together. Maybe that was Indee's purpose? To give me a new love, and get rid of an old one.
I think my problem with not being able to see all of this, and the reason I dwelled for so long and so hard on him bailing on us is because of my nature of being too codependent.
Being alone and single is a really hard thing for me, always has been, but right now I am starting to feel it is such a blessing I am alone.
Sure, I wanted my family together, but everyone involved has to want that, sadly their father doesn't understand family, love, and respect for family. He is a little too selfish to care for children.
I have been reading a fabulous book, "Codependent No More" and I feel like it is literally changing my life!
I don't need to be dependent on anyone but myself. I am strong, beautiful, and have two wonderful little blessings.
I don't need the emotional, and verbal abuse. I don't need to be manipulated.
The relationship I have been in for the last 4 years was based on lust, and codependency. We enjoyed eachother so much because we have good conversation, similar views in some ways, and an attraction for one another. We had ZERO respect in our relationship, neither one of us. I didn't respect him due to his selfish ways, and he didn't respect me...due to his selfish ways.
I guess I never realized that their were "real" men with real morals, real respect, real love, and real compassion. Was too focused on the fact I didn't want to be a single mom, and I wanted to be a family. Which I still want...not with him anymore. I want someone to respect me.
I realize now that I was codependent on an idea of what I thought our relationship was going to be, or turn into. I always depended on the thought things would change and be better.
But, now I know that the only person who I can be dependent on is ME.
CODEPENDENT NO MORE.