I guess it's true what they say, a broken heart is blind :(
This post is going to be out of the ordinary, that's for sure.
A few months ago in September I was so rudely awakened with a broken heart. My love of 4 years, boyfriend, father of my children, best friend, partner in crime...dumped me. Left me. Stranded me, broke my heart, and showed no shame in it. At the time I was 6 months pregnant, and working my ASS off to pay for this new baby. He was jobless. Still is actually. Beside the point for now...but I recently had started a new job working 40 hours a week, and had to go through an intense training program when he left me.
WORST possible timing on his part but starting to realize now, I do not need him.
I imagine this post is going to jump around alot, as that is how my feelings are about this subject..all over the place.
My love, lets call him Z, had never betrayed me like this before. I may have been wrong to him in the past, but we have moved on from there...started a family and were moving forward with our lives, so I thought.
Our relationship had been lacking, most definitely, mostly because he refused to get a job while I worked 40 hours a week...so SURE I am gonna be mega bitch, right? I had every right to complain. 6 months pregnant, sole provider/care giver for our 2 year old, and the only one providing for them. So, any self respecting woman in this situation would bitch and complain. The raging hormones don't help anything either!
Anyway. Everyone looking at our relationship from the outside I am sure thought I was an idiot for being with him. No job to support us, no motivation to get a job, and no interest in manning up and being there for your kid...soon to be TWO. Looking back I feel pretty ignorant allowing myself to be hurt like this. But, my unconditional love for Z always outweighed our problems. I always told myself things would get better, he would change BLAH blah blah...because I love him. I say LOVE because, yes, the love is still very much there. Even after being so hurt and betrayed by him, my heart loves and longs for him. Sounds completely idiotic I am sure to anyone but myself. I dont think I will ever stop loving him honestly. We have a connection like no one else I have met. We understand each other, and loved each other very passionately. I am sure I will find love again, and I hope my heart will eventually heal from this, but until then it is very hard to block out the love.
Lets talk about his priorities. He dumped me, and was already talking to some other girl. In fact, the DAY he dumped me I was at work...he took our son to meet some 20 year old girl at the lake without me knowing. NEVER would I take our son to meet up with some guy. What kind of message does that send to the poor 2 year old? Why is daddy talking with some girl thats not mommy? I dont believe it's healthy to bring your children around anyone and everyone. There is a certain level of trust that has to be met to have the privilege of knowing my son, and I dont believe that girl had earned any of that trust. Not from Z or me. Anyway, he "says" that he dumped me because his music that he is pursuing is more important right now. But, all of the sudden he dumps me and then has girls around and all over him constantly...so that must be what it's about right? Not just girls...17 year old girls COME ON right? So...there is a little insight about his priorities. Any guy who would dump their 6 months pregnant girlfriend to go party it up with 17 year old little girls is pathetic. If I were some drug addict horrible mother I could see the logic in this...but as it is I am a wonderful mother. I do anything and everything for our son. I literally go above and beyond to ensure he is happy, healthy, and well, and he seems to think partying is better than that.
My self esteem has been SHIT. for a couple months I literally cried every single day. Most of the day. I didn't want to eat, sleep, care for myself, and really had no motivation to care for Rylan either, sadly. Of course I trucked on and did it, because it is my responsibility, and I love Rylan more than anyone. I am not only obligated, but it is number one priority in my life to care for him the best I can. So, while keeping up with him, dealing with pregnancy, working non stop, and handling my emotions that had left me to a point of depression and exhaustion I cannot even explain really. I still cant say I am over it. Probably wont be for a long time. I am starting to see I can handle it though. I can handle being a single mom, I can handle whatever is in store for me.
Recently I have had an extreme amount of support and love, and my self esteem is on the rise again. Not completely back to normal, but with time it will be. I am just about 9 months pregnant now...so these hormones are not helping! But, eventually I will love myself as much as I deserve to be loved.
For months now I have questioned myself. Who the FUCK am I??
I am single. I am strong. I am beautiful. I am vibrant. I am independent. I am loving. I am compassionate. I am caring. I am scared, but ready. I am lonely. I hate feeling lonely, but having my babies I know I am never alone. I cant help but to be longing to be touched, rubbed, kissed, loved on...but one day I will find someone who can fill that lonely spot. Of course my babies are most important now, but I cant say I want to be in this life without an adult to share it all with. I dont mind just being single with my kids, but I admit I hope to find love.
Love is how I make sense of this world. Love is how I channel my emotions, and intense thoughts. Love is real to me, and I really want to feel it again. I want to be important to a special someone. I want to be on his mind..whoever it will be. I want to be told how beautiful I am every day. I really hope to find this again.
Gosh...I am sure this is so out of order...but this is how it's gonna be. Raw, unedited, real.
Exactly how the words enter my mind is how I write them. Not that there is anyone reading this silly old blog!
But, if you are...please tell me I am not along. Surely I am not the only single mama who feels this much pain from being left?
Finally I am getting to a point where I can forget about Z throughout the day. I can think of what he's doing in his life right now, what he has done to mine, and how he is handling his kids lives and feel sick about him.
Before, I wasn't able to stop thinking about him, so this is a step forward I guess.
It still hurts me to think I am in this single parent thing alone. I never imagined not being a family. It just always made so much sense...Z Naomi and Rylan. We had fun together, explored together, did things together as a family. Now...baby girl is coming and the thought of us not going out together as a famiy, enjoying her every move together as a family...it hurts bad. I have wonderful people around me, sure, but it doesn't replace that feeling of being together as a family.
Maybe one day I will meet someone wonderful who wants to be a part of my family?? Who knows.
Until then, I pick myself off the ground every day and try to move on.
That's really all I can do I guess. Move on. Stand tall. Dont look back, but move forward with love. Move forward with a clear mind. Free my mind from worries, free my heart from hatred, and embrace every moment I have.
Ahhhh I have no idea, but I do know things can only get better from here right??